new light in a new place

this photo was accidentally taken this weekend while moving PKS into a new apartment for business school. not in chicago. this is our sofa in front of the new sunny window. at notre dame.

i found it today while combing through my phone for a site photo for work. in chicago. here.

but instead this unexpected reminder pops up + just like that my stomach jumps up into my throat. a common occurance since this weekend. apparently, my body’s way of letting me know that i’m, for lack of a more dynamic word, sad.

getting him settled on saturday felt fine. (busy is the greatest gift to a racing mind). i only cried about 5 1/2 times. it was a success. the place looks great. he’s a step beyond excited.

so i’m here + he’s there. because i have a job that i can’t walk away from. because of a lot of reasons (that i can’t seem to recall at this moment). but a lot of people do this. for reasons much more complex + difficult than ours.

in bad moments, i remember that we’re doing this to foster a future, a better life. in other bad moments, i remind myself that i tend to leave the studio at 8PM at the earliest or, more frequently, never at the latest - that it doesn’t matter where he is because at this point, in the field i’ve chosen, few people are ever anywhere but the office.

which is fine, i suppose. for most of my life, i’ve been going at it alone. aside from a select, tightly knit clan of family + close friends, i prefer the guaranteed reliance on just me. i know loneliness + it’s never bothered me before.

if you told me i’d be married at 27, i’d say you didn’t know me.

if you told me i’d move to chicago for then-future-husband’s job, i’d call you crazy.

if you told me that one day my top priority would be the health + happiness of another person aside from myself, i’d say you really didn’t know me.

but when we first started dating, we were in new york + i worked around the clock at work ac. PKS would wake up at 3AM (or whenever i walked through the door) + we’d catch up on our day + then go/return to sleep. he’d remind me that i could do this.

when he desperately wanted out at work in new york + the offer of chicago came in, i packed up. when, shortly after, he began furiously studying for the GMAT, it was my turn to be the cheerleader. you can do this, i said.

for the past months he’s been the supporter. after releasing all wedding-related duties to him while i drowned in work, he also took on coordinating + facilitating our lives. literally, i have done nothing (big or small) but focus on work since 2010 + he’s the one who allowed me that luxury. you can do this, he assured me.

+ now it’s my turn.

we can do this.